Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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