Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Randomize
