And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
