two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
