I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
