I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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