It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
