I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
