look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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