bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
