I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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