I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
