so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
