This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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