And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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