dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
