i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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