Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
