dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
