I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
