i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
