Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
