He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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