So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
whose parrot is this?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
