omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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