OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
