Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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