so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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