sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
