Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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