I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just want nice things and good sex
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
