His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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