just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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