i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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