I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
