I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
