i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
