is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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