I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
