Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
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DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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