My liver just broke up with me...
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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