I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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