I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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