I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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