I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
