I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
