i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
