You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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