you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
