I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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