booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
We need to get me chipped asap
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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