smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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