Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
