hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
