her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
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we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
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The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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