Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
