I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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