Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
