i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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